Unhinged.

Dear, ALer. (Yay, I finally found a name for you, my darling) 😁 or do you prefer ALian?)

Tonight is one of those nights I’m stripping here, so expect a longer-than-normal post.

Ready? Okay.

Sometime last year, my school’s (medical) fellowship called me for an interview for a leadership position. Back and forth, here and there, I accepted.

As the year drew to a close, I remember God telling me, that the year would have to be one of prayer, because I would need that kind of strength and comfort that only talking with Jesus gives.

Well, well, fast forward to this year; last week, precisely, my evaluation of progress on my goals sent me into a spiral of sulking and unproductivity, unknowingly.

I was fixated on the things that were not happening at the moment and somehow I felt I was undermining my potentials, because, guyyy, there’s so much I can do. I know it, but… In real life? I’m not doing a half of it.

Before you get engrossed, let me share the triggers. I was blessed to identify them early, by God’s help, because, mehn—have you ever been at that place where you know something is wrong, but can’t place a finger around what exactly? Yay!

You know that knowing “what” is a blessing, but, beyond “what”, how we go run de mata, na de coco (how to solve the problem is the real issue).

And this time, my triggers were on two ends:

First, I got an opportunity to volunteer with an organisation I’ve always loved, and just as I was about to type “Yes”, God said, “wait.” Then, the next day, I went to school and the senior registrar in my new unit (Neurosurgery) goes all “You have to use your brain to its full potential while you are young, because , as you age, it atrophies.”

And now, I’m torn, between God’s “wait” which is gradually tilting towards “No”, and the fear of underutilizing my potential.

So, yay, problem identified. What did I do next? Sulk! Yes, that’s what I did. I was sulking to stall reality.

What was I supposed to do? Pray! Did I know that? Of course, yes, but, guuuuy… I get am before no be property.

I kept putting off my prayer time, so God decided to use Music to speak to me. He used “Come again” and “Wait on you”, both from the “Old church basement”, album to do that.

But, I still had vestiges of fear rear their head in my mind, and God decided it’s time to give this matter a rest.

He used my eldest brother, PJ, to do that. So, PJ said to me today: “You have to trust that God is not mismanaging your life. Don’t force things. Allow yourself evolve in God’s time.”

I find myself praying most times with open palms facing upwards, because, every time I pray, there is always something to give up.

I don’t know if this is true for you, but, my insecurities, insufficiencies and flaws are always with me. A reminder of why I’ll always need the “Already-here-with-me God”.

Every. Single. Time.

So, this evening I shared with you, because I think some ALers, beside myself are facing this too—Fear of the future, the unknown.

I wrote to remind you to:

Trust that God is not mismanaging your life. Don’t force things. Allow yourself evolve in God’s time.”

This week, rest in hope. God trusts you. Trust yourself to trust God.

I love you, and your feedback via comments helps me know I’m not alone.

Emem ye ifure. 💜

Cc:Your GJ. ✌️